I am not what you would call a romantic person. Sure, I enjoy receiving the occasional bouquet or batch of cookies from Jacek, but for the most part, I’m just happy when he shows up on time with the right movie. In return, I provide for him a comfy couch and a suitable beverage. This give and take really works for us.

So imagine my surprise, then, when Jacek announced at the beginning of the week that he had made reservations for us at our town’s one semi-fancy restaurant on Valentine’s Day. Our meal would be followed by a trip to the local movie theatre where the romantic film, Atonement was playing.

I was thrilled by the prospect of an evening out, and on a school night, even! Our tiny town doesn’t really offer much in the way of entertainment, so unless copious drinking at one of the town’s many watering holes is part of your plans, a romantic evening out is a rare find in small town Montana.

But as it soon turned out, this town started to work against our romantic plans. It all started on Wednesday, the night before Valentine’s Day.

I should mention that it was a minor miracle that Atonement was playing at the local theater. A 2-plex, the theater generally specializes in family films and whatever blockbuster schlock was popular three weeks ago.

Unfortunately for Jacek and me as we found out in the local paper, the theater decided to change the films on Thursday instead of Friday as they usually do. Our choices, The Spiderwick Chronicles or Jumper. Nothing says Valentine’s like films about fishy toad beasts and teleportation.

We decided to forgo the trip to the movie theater and instead encamp at my place after dinner for a TIVO viewing of our favorite guilty pleasure, Rock of Love featuring an aging rocker from an 80’s hair band trying to find love among 20 blond bimbos. Nothing says romance like watching girls in bikinis cleaning their beloved’s motorcycle.

And everything just went downhill from there. On Valentine’s day itself, my stereo broke, forever encasing two favorite cds in its hard plastic cd changer. Later that day I found out that I owe HR Block AND the state of Montana tax money. At this point, I was mentally crossing my fingers that Jacek was paying for dinner. Nothing says Valentine’s like being broke.

Jacek and I arrived at dinner to find that the restaurant was serving special Valentine’s meals that included beef, beef, and halibut. I’m a vegetarian and have been for over 15 years. I asked about potential vegetarian options, but none were forthcoming. Nothing says romance like cholesterol-inducing Montana beef.

We left the restaurant and walked down the street to the next eatery, a family-style diner with pool tables and video games. Though lacking in romantic ambience, this restaurant’s menu featured several vegetarian options. To my delight there were only two screaming babies and a Centipede video game. Jacek ponied up a few quarters and we settled in for a few rounds only to find that the roller ball on the machine didn’t work. Out little stationary man got creamed and the game was over quickly. Nothing says romance like screaming babies and broken video games.

At this point, we decided to go with fate and make it the least romantic night possible, so we went back to his place and picked up his dog (whom I’ve nicknamed, ‘birth control’ because of his mood-breaking flatulence) and some Beavis and Butthead DVDs.

Back at my place, we popped in the DVDs and settled in for an evening of adolescent humor. And as far as I’m concerned, nothing says romance like uncontrollable laughter with my fella.